My Friend, Anxiety.

Hi beautiful people ❤

It’s been a while; I have been swept up in the whirlwind that is the finality of year 12. I won’t bore you all with the details but yes, it has been a rollercoaster, physically and emotionally and mentally and intellectually and spiritually. The whole lot. But I’ve had a lot of beautiful people here backing me up, both from my family and loved ones, and on the social world of Instagram.

Anyway. What has sparked my motivation to share with all of you after so long… this evening, I’ve been searching through my old short pieces of story writing. And I read over something that I’d forgotten about. It captivated my attention and I’d really like to share it with you all… because it is something I feel resonates with me still, so deeply.

It is how I perceive the small, scared girl of Anxiety within me, who seems terrifying, but really just wants to be heard and loved. It’s a beautiful way to look at it, I thought. So here it goes…

~*~

My Friend, Anxiety.

Sometimes I wonder what the girl I am would be like without my anxiety. All the flaws inside my head. Gone. I look out at this one blinking star right ahead of me, and wonder, all those light years away, if it sees another life. What am I doing? I like to think that I’m riding free somewhere, atop this beautiful big horse I can only see in my dreams. Flying over the ground, churning the earth up in his great hooves as he was born to do. Like he should do. Mane and tail streaming behind him in an elegant storm of earth and wind and fire and horse. And I am just there, moving along with him, faster than even time can travel us.

But then, I know, that she wouldn’t really be me. Because she doesn’t have the anxiety. She doesn’t have the things that make her… well, me. My God, it causes me pain. Sometimes it’s just a shiver, or the uncomfortable sensation that crawls over my fingers as they go numb while I type something up at 1:09am in the morning on a winter’s night. But other times… you have no idea. It’s like I can’t breathe. It’s like someone, or some much stronger force than ever known to mankind, is forcing me down under water. And to stay there. Without any release. It feels like I’m suffocating. It feels like I’m drowning and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to reach the surface. It feels like I’m going to die. I’m going to die and no one is going to care. No one is going to notice my absence, or come looking for me. The itching feeling at the back of their minds that they’re forgetting something, like a tinned can of corn they left at the supermarket, will eventually buzz away. And I will be left to drown, to suffocate, to die on my own.

But despite this pain. Despite this awful sensation that I can’t explain, this instinct that I am going to die. Despite everything inside my head. The whirlwind of emotions, the spiralling storms and cyclones of thoughts that devastate any sliver of peace I’ve managed to form, so that I have to start again from scratch. Despite any of this… there is beauty in it. There is beauty in my friend Anxiety. Yes, she is my friend. I smile when I think of her like that. This little me, small and scared and thinking she is so alone, tucked away in the corner of my mind, just wanting to be heard, and fearing being found out at the same time. But she is so beautiful… she doesn’t realise it. And she is a part of me. I will never leave her, nor she me. I will be there with her forever, even when no one believes her, or the world is against her. She will always have me to keep her safe. To tell her that it’s all okay. That no bloody wonder she gets herself worked up over this funny little thing called life. Because it’s hard! And I totally get that. I get that as much as anyone else who thinks to themselves; “hey, this is a little weird, don’t you think? That we all seem so relaxed, when we really shouldn’t? Because who knows why we’re here? We don’t! Or is it just me?”

But I will also never leave her, or criticise her, or put her in the wrong, or leave her in the dark, because she creates the beauty in me. Because with all her existential sufferings, her painstakingly agonising questions, her dragged out insomnia, her irrational fears, come all her big ideas. Her desire to create something so big and beautiful and completely unbeknownst to man. Her huge heart and immense compassion for the souls around her. Her productive highs, with all these large and wonderful aspirations and wonders and revelations, these sparks to begin something anew, to accomplish so much. There comes her creativity. Her passion. Her drive. Her spirit.

And, would you believe this… her will to live.

She just wants someone to love her. To hold her when she is shaking and quivering in life’s too-strong grip, and tell her that everything will be okay. No words or advice needed. She doesn’t need someone to make it better; she has to do that on her own. She just needs someone to listen, and to understand, and to just hold and comfort her. To tell her that she isn’t alone. To appreciate her. To see the beauty in her, the beautiful things she can create and is capable of with her flaws, like I see in her. To simply – and nothing more – be there, along with her on this journey that Anxiety and I have to take. Not to direct us… but to reassure me that I have someone who is here with me.

I feel all of this and more, because she is a part of me.

We are one. We complement one another, in both our highs and lows. One cannot survive without the other. It’s beautiful though, really; not tragic like some would think. It is like a young superhero learning to harness her dangerous and unpredictable powers, which will eventually bloom into something so much more beautiful… something so much more elegant… something she can use to her advantage, if she can just find inner balance.

We are learning to harness our power. Slowly but surely. And until then, even if it takes the rest of my life, I will stay by her on this journey, and she will me, even when no one else will… until she is ready to let go, and to flourish on her own, in peace.

❤

Pressure

Hi everyone. Long time no see. ❤

This is the first time in 2 months that I have posted. Quite honestly, to begin with, I was ashamed of myself, feeling the pressure of “needing to update my blog”. I have been thinking constantly about this blog, but it is always pushed to the back of my mind as “unimportant”… “no, you have too much to do already”. And I felt guilt for this. I still do to some extent.

I don’t think that’s the only reason I have been neglecting this blog, however; this impending feeling of having too much on my plate to bother my time with writing. As with many things in my life, I have been having doubts… that I am being seen as an attention seeker in writing this blog. That maybe, just maybe, I really am over-exaggerating what I am experiencing. That people will tell me I’m being dramatic, over-the-top. That I am becoming The Girl Who Constantly Rants and Raves About Anxiety. That I am impeding on people’s lives with my talk about mental health, making them feel uncomfortable, upset, annoyed, or, in the case of my loved ones, worried and fearful for my health and safety.

But the truth is.

This is me.

This is what I live with, every day.

Why should it be seen as taboo?
Why are we so afraid to talk about mental health? Seriously talk about mental health; not just what they teach in schools, but how we REALLY FEEL and what we REALLY THINK.

Tonight I thought about why I started this blog in this first place. Why, seriously why, am I so passionate about mental health? Because… people are still living in silence. There are still people out there in the world, millions of them, too afraid to speak up because WE have it embedded in our brains not to talk about the inner clockworks of our minds. WE are barring them, and ourselves, from the compassion and respect and understanding that we ALL deserve. A world where we can share things freely, and not to be afraid or insecure anymore… that is what I long for. And so that is why I write, and why I share my writings with the world, despite my incredible fear and immense anxiety, despite every fibre in my being telling me NO – DO NOT SHARE THIS WITH THE WORLD!

Well, you know what? I want to prove that little voice wrong. Maybe it won’t ever go away. That’s okay. It’s a part of me too. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have fear. However, our world is so accustomed to telling us to hide away our fears; to be strong, to always get back up, to laugh, to smile, to be perfect in every way shape and form.

No.
I’m here to say, no.
That is why I have made this blog. To say no in the face of mental illness stigma. To preach, as much as possible, that it is okay not to be okay. Always. In sharing my story, if I can move at least one person to speak up about their inner demons, if I can convince one person to stay on this earth, if I can remind one person that they are so beautiful and needed and worthy of this life… then my purpose is fulfilled. I feel this wholeheartedly.

Then I started to think about how this blog has changed ME. I feel as though in the smallest but most significant ways possible, this blog has opened up traits in me that I never thought I had… I am able to express my thoughts and feelings with less fear, I am becoming more content with myself, more open with my loved ones, more open with myself, more at peace, more accepting, more confident in the person I am, and just… happier. If it weren’t for this blog, I really do feel as though I would still be possessing a lot more self-hate and fear of being open about my mental health. That’s not to say that I don’t still hold some self-resent and fear… but I have realised how immensely this blog has helped me on my journey. It has been so cathartic to write about my struggles, my recovery, my relapse back into struggling, my recovery again, as the cycle continues… Writing has always been there for me.

So… if you want to know the reasons why I decided to suppress my fear tonight once and for all… there they are.
I want, more than anything, to help others. And to help myself.
And, as I see it, this blog is a pretty good place to start.

However… I have also remembered that I have actually done brilliantly in my first term of year 12. There have been a lot of obstacles, both in terms of school and my mental health, and I have powered through them all like a queen. And you know what, I am proud of myself.
So that is why I am not apologising for not having posted in the past few months… because this blog is for me to help others, to help myself, at my own pace. The whole point of this blog is to teach others to put their mental health first. And you can bet that I will be putting that into practice as much as I can.

So… I won’t be saying that I will write to you all soon. I will instead say, that I will write to you when I write to you. When I feel passionate about something, or creative, or needing to write. Not because I feel “pressure” to.

Lastly… I want to thank you for reading this. You.
You are beautiful.
You are needed.
You are worthy.
Your thoughts and feelings are valid.
And you have so much left to give ❤

Exhaustion

Processed with VSCOcam with t1 preset Hey everyone. So I haven’t updated in a while.

If I’m honest with you all, the past four weeks have been especially draining on me, having started back at school for my final year of high school. A lot of expectations, a lot of pressures have been riding on my shoulders. Mainly from myself, being a perfectionist and over-achiever.

Funnily enough, my mental illnesses have been barring me from posting on here, my mental health blog. Lately I have felt a mental block in my mind. As in, an actual slab of concrete that just bars me from having some or even any motivation. That is the best way I can describe it. I have been experiencing depressive episodes far more frequently due to heightened stress and anxiety; my most recent one started on Friday, leaves temporarily for a few hours, then another freak-out kicks in and I’m back on my depressed path. It’s still here. Squeezing my chest, plaguing my mind. Most days of the week I get home and have a breakdown, and either have to keep carrying on with what I need to get done, or have no choice but to limit or cut down my work load because I am too depressed or anxious to continue.

Tonight I feel super depressed and low on confidence. It just affects all aspects of my life. My schoolwork, for starters. I struggle with self confidence and motivation, my productivity or performance in school decreases, I get lower grades than what I was hoping for or a talking to by my teacher, and then I feel even more doubtful of myself. It’s such a cruel cycle. I just wish it would end.

I know a lot of people who meet me, even a lot who know me well, would say that I am an extremely motivated person. I guess, in some aspects, this is true. The way that I see myself, however, is not motivated. I am literally driven by fear of not succeeding or being less than what I expect of myself, despite EVERYONE in my life telling me that my best try is good enough, and so I run myself into the ground until I have a meltdown, whether that’s at school or at home. It’s happening so frequently. And no matter what people tell me – friends, family, teachers – no matter what they say or how many times they say it, no matter how much I want to start doing what they say, I CANNOT, for the life of me, slow down.

Genuinely, I am starting to believe it is something ingrained in me, this perfectionism. This need to run myself into the ground. To burden myself with exhaustion. I honestly feel as though if I am not exhausted, then I am not trying hard enough… even though I don’t WANT to be exhausted!

I am trying so hard to do everything they’re telling me to. Self care, regular exercise, drinking heaps of water, voicing my feelings, taking breaks. But for a person like me, taking breaks is not so simple as a click of a finger. I constantly feel the need to get absolutely everything done in one sitting, and so forcing myself to take a break requires immense strength. I don’t think people actually realise how much strength it actually takes me. That in itself is exhausting. And – even though I know this is a trick of my mind – I feel extremely guilty for taking breaks. I feel like I should be doing something. I feel like I need to run myself into the ground again. I NEED to feel my exhaustion. Otherwise, where am I heading to? At the same time, I am finding it extremely difficult to concentrate, both in class and at home, and I know this is because I am hardly ever taking breaks, and when I do I don’t allow them to be restful.

I am also constantly feeling like I am behind on ‘schedule’ all of the time. No matter how much work I’m putting in to everything. There is always a mountain of things left to complete… and every day that mountain gets bigger. Surely this cannot be true. Surely I am not as behind in things as my mind is telling me I am, because of the sheer amount of work I am doing, right from when I get up every morning at 6-7am up until 9-10pm at night at the earliest. One thin is for sure… The mind is a powerful tool… often used against me.

It’s currently 11:52pm on a Tuesday night. Not the best time to be up and contemplating thoughts. But when has my brain ever abided by that rule? Overthinking is my speciality. But I am so in desperate need of sleep… I wish I could just let go of all this self doubt, self loathing, self degredation and do what I’m coming to school for, do what I love doing… TO LEARN. Why does my brain have to bar me from that? There is so much I want to do. I just feel so physically restricted by my own head. Why is that? How is that?

Maybe one day we’ll be able to answer those questions… for now I just need to accept my mind is racing. I hope tomorrow I will wake up and feel differently to how I’ve been waking up these past 4 weeks… like I don’t want to wake up again. I will keep persisting. There is, however, a fine line between persisting and fighting against mental illness, and pushing myself until I break. I hope one day I can find balance on that fine line. Until then, I will keep on trying my best to cope…

Despite my insomnia, my anxiety, and my anxiety about my insomnia, writing this out has actually helped me feel less sick to my stomach. I’ve been neglecting my writing a lot lately, and not just on here. Fear of people judging me, of being offended or triggered by what I say, fear of being seen as inadequate in other’s eyes as well as my own, and my mental block as I said earlier have all been restricting me from being able to let my words flow as usual. As I’ve said… it’s been a difficult past few weeks.

Goodnight beautiful people. I send my love to you. Remember you are all full of worth, you all make this world brighter, and you are never alone. My instagram DMs on @breannas.blog and email inbox are always open ❤

Until next time… hopefully soon 🙂

Keep fighting xx<3

Detachment. (You’re never alone.)

Do you know how it feels, to not be able to work up the spirit or energy or motivation to do anything, anything at all?

Do you know how it feels, to lay in bed and genuinely never want to get back up again?

Do you know how it feels, to have a heavy blanket thrown over your happiness, pinning it down, so that you feel as though you’ll never feel it again?

Do you know how it feels, to have a thick dark cloud pass over you, whilst everyone else around you is seemingly bathing in sunlight?

Do you know how it feels, to want to go out into the world and accomplish all that you want to accomplish, but some unseen force is barring you from taking another step, despite all your best efforts to just push through this sludge?

Do you know how it feels, to be surrounded by so many people, but in your heart you feel so despairingly, agonisingly, painfully alone and detached from everyone else here?

Do you know how it feels, to try your absolute hardest to keep pushing, pushing, pushing through this mess, to have so many things riding on your shoulders that without you they would all come tumbling down, but it just becomes too much and you feel yourself begin to break?

Do you know how it feels, to have the hurt in your heart and voice in your head haunt you everywhere you go, that even if you’re able to run, for minutes, hours, days on end, no matter, you cannot escape from it?

Do you know how it feels, to have anxiety shouting at you from all angles to “keep going and never stop”, whilst depression sinks a heavy weight into your shoulders so that to move even one step forward would require immense strength and willpower?

Do you know how this feels?

This weight of the world?

Does anyone?

Sometimes, I feel like no one does. No one understands this pain that I go through. I know with every fibre in my being that this is not true. But it doesn’t stop the voices in my head. And I know, hearing this won’t stop yours, if you know how any of these things feel.

Tonight I am here to tell you, from one depressed person to all you beautiful people out there, that even if you feel alone? You most certainly are not.

I can tell you right now.

You. Are. Never. Alone.

It may feel like you will never get out of this slow-moving sludge, or this torturous hell-hole, or this heavy blanket isolating you from the rest of the world. It’s never easy. Especially when you are there for days, weeks on end.

I’m not here to tell you that it will get better. Because really, who knows. I’m here to tell you that you are, unequivocally, without a doubt, never alone. And that in itself is a reason to stay. ❤

So… stay.