Hey everyone. So I haven’t updated in a while.
If I’m honest with you all, the past four weeks have been especially draining on me, having started back at school for my final year of high school. A lot of expectations, a lot of pressures have been riding on my shoulders. Mainly from myself, being a perfectionist and over-achiever.
Funnily enough, my mental illnesses have been barring me from posting on here, my mental health blog. Lately I have felt a mental block in my mind. As in, an actual slab of concrete that just bars me from having some or even any motivation. That is the best way I can describe it. I have been experiencing depressive episodes far more frequently due to heightened stress and anxiety; my most recent one started on Friday, leaves temporarily for a few hours, then another freak-out kicks in and I’m back on my depressed path. It’s still here. Squeezing my chest, plaguing my mind. Most days of the week I get home and have a breakdown, and either have to keep carrying on with what I need to get done, or have no choice but to limit or cut down my work load because I am too depressed or anxious to continue.
Tonight I feel super depressed and low on confidence. It just affects all aspects of my life. My schoolwork, for starters. I struggle with self confidence and motivation, my productivity or performance in school decreases, I get lower grades than what I was hoping for or a talking to by my teacher, and then I feel even more doubtful of myself. It’s such a cruel cycle. I just wish it would end.
I know a lot of people who meet me, even a lot who know me well, would say that I am an extremely motivated person. I guess, in some aspects, this is true. The way that I see myself, however, is not motivated. I am literally driven by fear of not succeeding or being less than what I expect of myself, despite EVERYONE in my life telling me that my best try is good enough, and so I run myself into the ground until I have a meltdown, whether that’s at school or at home. It’s happening so frequently. And no matter what people tell me – friends, family, teachers – no matter what they say or how many times they say it, no matter how much I want to start doing what they say, I CANNOT, for the life of me, slow down.
Genuinely, I am starting to believe it is something ingrained in me, this perfectionism. This need to run myself into the ground. To burden myself with exhaustion. I honestly feel as though if I am not exhausted, then I am not trying hard enough… even though I don’t WANT to be exhausted!
I am trying so hard to do everything they’re telling me to. Self care, regular exercise, drinking heaps of water, voicing my feelings, taking breaks. But for a person like me, taking breaks is not so simple as a click of a finger. I constantly feel the need to get absolutely everything done in one sitting, and so forcing myself to take a break requires immense strength. I don’t think people actually realise how much strength it actually takes me. That in itself is exhausting. And – even though I know this is a trick of my mind – I feel extremely guilty for taking breaks. I feel like I should be doing something. I feel like I need to run myself into the ground again. I NEED to feel my exhaustion. Otherwise, where am I heading to? At the same time, I am finding it extremely difficult to concentrate, both in class and at home, and I know this is because I am hardly ever taking breaks, and when I do I don’t allow them to be restful.
I am also constantly feeling like I am behind on ‘schedule’ all of the time. No matter how much work I’m putting in to everything. There is always a mountain of things left to complete… and every day that mountain gets bigger. Surely this cannot be true. Surely I am not as behind in things as my mind is telling me I am, because of the sheer amount of work I am doing, right from when I get up every morning at 6-7am up until 9-10pm at night at the earliest. One thin is for sure… The mind is a powerful tool… often used against me.
It’s currently 11:52pm on a Tuesday night. Not the best time to be up and contemplating thoughts. But when has my brain ever abided by that rule? Overthinking is my speciality. But I am so in desperate need of sleep… I wish I could just let go of all this self doubt, self loathing, self degredation and do what I’m coming to school for, do what I love doing… TO LEARN. Why does my brain have to bar me from that? There is so much I want to do. I just feel so physically restricted by my own head. Why is that? How is that?
Maybe one day we’ll be able to answer those questions… for now I just need to accept my mind is racing. I hope tomorrow I will wake up and feel differently to how I’ve been waking up these past 4 weeks… like I don’t want to wake up again. I will keep persisting. There is, however, a fine line between persisting and fighting against mental illness, and pushing myself until I break. I hope one day I can find balance on that fine line. Until then, I will keep on trying my best to cope…
Despite my insomnia, my anxiety, and my anxiety about my insomnia, writing this out has actually helped me feel less sick to my stomach. I’ve been neglecting my writing a lot lately, and not just on here. Fear of people judging me, of being offended or triggered by what I say, fear of being seen as inadequate in other’s eyes as well as my own, and my mental block as I said earlier have all been restricting me from being able to let my words flow as usual. As I’ve said… it’s been a difficult past few weeks.
Goodnight beautiful people. I send my love to you. Remember you are all full of worth, you all make this world brighter, and you are never alone. My instagram DMs on @breannas.blog and email inbox are always open ❤
Until next time… hopefully soon 🙂
Keep fighting xx<3