How are all of you doing?
I know it’s been a while since I’ve written on here. If I am honest with you, I have been struggling a lot lately. Both my anxiety and depression have been flaring up more than usual. I mean, it’s always constant, but lately I’ve been experiencing extreme highs and crashing lows that literally leave me devastated, often ending my days curling up in my bed and filling my nights with crying.
I guess the reason for it all, though there are probably many reasons (and in that sense, no reason at all except for the fact that mental illness is not picky over the times it presents itself), is the fact that my exam week was last week. I’ve been working so hard up until that point all year, and I filled that week with intense cramming, so it left me exhausted by the end of it. The next week, which was the week just gone, I got all my exam results back. And to me they weren’t pretty.
I know I should be extremely proud of myself for getting through that week. Even the fact that I SAT those exams is a massive achievement considering what I went through that week in my head. But I’m not proud. If I am honest again, I’m ashamed in my results. Call me a perfectionist, tell me that I’m too hard on myself, but I am so disappointed in myself. It is just so incredibly disheartening to work so hard for something, to give it your everything, and to fall short. I’ve been there loads of times. I’m sure you have too.
Even though I’m feeling really low about myself at the moment, I’m trying to not let it get in the way of looking after myself, though it can be really hard at times. I’m also trying to remind myself that it’s okay to feel like this. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s also okay to be angry. You have the right to feel those things because you are human and that’s what humans do; we do things we’re not proud of and we feel like shit. But feeling all of this is so important. You can’t get to the other side, you can’t pick yourself up and prove that you are strong, without having gone through the battle field first. Take a few hits. Cry over them. Even if it takes weeks or even months to get over. But don’t wallow for too long… you need to pick yourself up off the ground at some point.
So yeah, I’m not going to let this defeat me. When have I ever let anything defeat me? The answer is: never, because I am still breathing. Some day soon, I am going to pick up my scattered pieces, look at them, and figure out where the best place is to stick them back together. In a few days, or weeks, (however long I need really), I’m going to pick those exams right back up and work through them so I can figure out where I went wrong and what I can do to improve. When I go back to school next year for my final year before uni, I am going to go to my teachers, having already gone through my exams on my own, and work with them to help me improve even more. I am going to use this anger and disappointment as my fire, I am going to turn it into motivation and drive, and that is what makes me strong and will get me through to the other side.
For now, though, yeah – I’m gonna let this all wash over me. Then I’m gonna forget about it for a while, and give myself permission to relax. I need to find myself again. I neglected so many of the things that I love by prioritizing my study, so over the next few days I’ll be reacquainting myself with things that make me happy – ie, reading mountains of books for hours on end whilst drinking tea, spending the entire day with friends and actually being a teenager by having fun, riding horses and cuddling animals, etc. Those things are important too. If you’re not doing things that make you happy, or at least give you reprieve from stress, then what’s the point of doing the hard stuff?
I think the other thing that has steered me away from writing on here is the feeling that my writing has been going stale. I haven’t even been writing poetry as of late because I just don’t feel my creative juices flowing, or my motivation to do anything at all, for that matter. You have no idea the amount of times I’ve tried to write a blog post and stopped immediately or halfway through, or deleted an Instagram post that I’ve written, because I feel like it’s not good enough. I don’t want my writing to become a chore. It’s something that I love to do, and if I feel like my passion for writing has gone stale, something must be seriously wrong. So I guess I’ve been trying to steer clear of that happening.
I can feel myself coming out on the other side of my writer’s block, however. Still, I’m going to take my time. I want to apologise for not writing as much as I promised. Or keeping up with regular updates on Instagram. But, I guess, at the very least, this can be a reminder to you all, to prioritize self care, and to put yourself first. It seems I need to do a lot of work to catch up on that aspect of my life.
I’ll get there though. And so will you 🙂
Anyway, I also wanted to thank all of you who have stuck by my side, to everyone who reads my posts, whether it’s on Instagram or WordPress. All of you are truly beautiful souls. And helping you through my words is a massive help to me, too. Even if sometimes my presence on here isn’t all that regular. Thank you for being patient with me, and understanding that I go through these episodes…
I think this has been my longest depressive/anxious episode for a while. It’s lasted for 2 weeks and I can’t see a way out of it right now. But I have lights in my life that I’m reaching out to right now. And even if my writing isn’t at its best right now, I will always have my love for it.
So… thank you. For everything. I will hopefully be back soon.
Until then… take care of yourselves. 🙂 ❤