My Friend, Anxiety.

Hi beautiful people ❤

It’s been a while; I have been swept up in the whirlwind that is the finality of year 12. I won’t bore you all with the details but yes, it has been a rollercoaster, physically and emotionally and mentally and intellectually and spiritually. The whole lot. But I’ve had a lot of beautiful people here backing me up, both from my family and loved ones, and on the social world of Instagram.

Anyway. What has sparked my motivation to share with all of you after so long… this evening, I’ve been searching through my old short pieces of story writing. And I read over something that I’d forgotten about. It captivated my attention and I’d really like to share it with you all… because it is something I feel resonates with me still, so deeply.

It is how I perceive the small, scared girl of Anxiety within me, who seems terrifying, but really just wants to be heard and loved. It’s a beautiful way to look at it, I thought. So here it goes…

~*~

My Friend, Anxiety.

Sometimes I wonder what the girl I am would be like without my anxiety. All the flaws inside my head. Gone. I look out at this one blinking star right ahead of me, and wonder, all those light years away, if it sees another life. What am I doing? I like to think that I’m riding free somewhere, atop this beautiful big horse I can only see in my dreams. Flying over the ground, churning the earth up in his great hooves as he was born to do. Like he should do. Mane and tail streaming behind him in an elegant storm of earth and wind and fire and horse. And I am just there, moving along with him, faster than even time can travel us.

But then, I know, that she wouldn’t really be me. Because she doesn’t have the anxiety. She doesn’t have the things that make her… well, me. My God, it causes me pain. Sometimes it’s just a shiver, or the uncomfortable sensation that crawls over my fingers as they go numb while I type something up at 1:09am in the morning on a winter’s night. But other times… you have no idea. It’s like I can’t breathe. It’s like someone, or some much stronger force than ever known to mankind, is forcing me down under water. And to stay there. Without any release. It feels like I’m suffocating. It feels like I’m drowning and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to reach the surface. It feels like I’m going to die. I’m going to die and no one is going to care. No one is going to notice my absence, or come looking for me. The itching feeling at the back of their minds that they’re forgetting something, like a tinned can of corn they left at the supermarket, will eventually buzz away. And I will be left to drown, to suffocate, to die on my own.

But despite this pain. Despite this awful sensation that I can’t explain, this instinct that I am going to die. Despite everything inside my head. The whirlwind of emotions, the spiralling storms and cyclones of thoughts that devastate any sliver of peace I’ve managed to form, so that I have to start again from scratch. Despite any of this… there is beauty in it. There is beauty in my friend Anxiety. Yes, she is my friend. I smile when I think of her like that. This little me, small and scared and thinking she is so alone, tucked away in the corner of my mind, just wanting to be heard, and fearing being found out at the same time. But she is so beautiful… she doesn’t realise it. And she is a part of me. I will never leave her, nor she me. I will be there with her forever, even when no one believes her, or the world is against her. She will always have me to keep her safe. To tell her that it’s all okay. That no bloody wonder she gets herself worked up over this funny little thing called life. Because it’s hard! And I totally get that. I get that as much as anyone else who thinks to themselves; “hey, this is a little weird, don’t you think? That we all seem so relaxed, when we really shouldn’t? Because who knows why we’re here? We don’t! Or is it just me?”

But I will also never leave her, or criticise her, or put her in the wrong, or leave her in the dark, because she creates the beauty in me. Because with all her existential sufferings, her painstakingly agonising questions, her dragged out insomnia, her irrational fears, come all her big ideas. Her desire to create something so big and beautiful and completely unbeknownst to man. Her huge heart and immense compassion for the souls around her. Her productive highs, with all these large and wonderful aspirations and wonders and revelations, these sparks to begin something anew, to accomplish so much. There comes her creativity. Her passion. Her drive. Her spirit.

And, would you believe this… her will to live.

She just wants someone to love her. To hold her when she is shaking and quivering in life’s too-strong grip, and tell her that everything will be okay. No words or advice needed. She doesn’t need someone to make it better; she has to do that on her own. She just needs someone to listen, and to understand, and to just hold and comfort her. To tell her that she isn’t alone. To appreciate her. To see the beauty in her, the beautiful things she can create and is capable of with her flaws, like I see in her. To simply – and nothing more – be there, along with her on this journey that Anxiety and I have to take. Not to direct us… but to reassure me that I have someone who is here with me.

I feel all of this and more, because she is a part of me.

We are one. We complement one another, in both our highs and lows. One cannot survive without the other. It’s beautiful though, really; not tragic like some would think. It is like a young superhero learning to harness her dangerous and unpredictable powers, which will eventually bloom into something so much more beautiful… something so much more elegant… something she can use to her advantage, if she can just find inner balance.

We are learning to harness our power. Slowly but surely. And until then, even if it takes the rest of my life, I will stay by her on this journey, and she will me, even when no one else will… until she is ready to let go, and to flourish on her own, in peace.

❤

Another Blogger’s Note…

Hey everyone.

How are all of you doing?

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written on here. If I am honest with you, I have been struggling a lot lately. Both my anxiety and depression have been flaring up more than usual. I mean, it’s always constant, but lately I’ve been experiencing extreme highs and crashing lows that literally leave me devastated, often ending my days curling up in my bed and filling my nights with crying.

I guess the reason for it all, though there are probably many reasons (and in that sense, no reason at all except for the fact that mental illness is not picky over the times it presents itself), is the fact that my exam week was last week. I’ve been working so hard up until that point all year, and I filled that week with intense cramming, so it left me exhausted by the end of it. The next week, which was the week just gone, I got all my exam results back. And to me they weren’t pretty.

I know I should be extremely proud of myself for getting through that week. Even the fact that I SAT those exams is a massive achievement considering what I went through that week in my head. But I’m not proud. If I am honest again, I’m ashamed in my results. Call me a perfectionist, tell me that I’m too hard on myself, but I am so disappointed in myself. It is just so incredibly disheartening to work so hard for something, to give it your everything, and to fall short. I’ve been there loads of times. I’m sure you have too.

Even though I’m feeling really low about myself at the moment, I’m trying to not let it get in the way of looking after myself, though it can be really hard at times. I’m also trying to remind myself that it’s okay to feel like this. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s also okay to be angry. You have the right to feel those things because you are human and that’s what humans do; we do things we’re not proud of and we feel like shit. But feeling all of this is so important. You can’t get to the other side, you can’t pick yourself up and prove that you are strong, without having gone through the battle field first. Take a few hits. Cry over them. Even if it takes weeks or even months to get over. But don’t wallow for too long… you need to pick yourself up off the ground at some point.

So yeah, I’m not going to let this defeat me. When have I ever let anything defeat me? The answer is: never, because I am still breathing. Some day soon, I am going to pick up my scattered pieces, look at them, and figure out where the best place is to stick them back together. In a few days, or weeks, (however long I need really), I’m going to pick those exams right back up and work through them so I can figure out where I went wrong and what I can do to improve. When I go back to school next year for my final year before uni, I am going to go to my teachers, having already gone through my exams on my own, and work with them to help me improve even more. I am going to use this anger and disappointment as my fire, I am going to turn it into motivation and drive, and that is what makes me strong and will get me through to the other side.

For now, though, yeah – I’m gonna let this all wash over me. Then I’m gonna forget about it for a while, and give myself permission to relax. I need to find myself again. I neglected so many of the things that I love by prioritizing my study, so over the next few days I’ll be reacquainting myself with things that make me happy – ie, reading mountains of books for hours on end whilst drinking tea, spending the entire day with friends and actually being a teenager by having fun, riding horses and cuddling animals, etc. Those things are important too. If you’re not doing things that make you happy, or at least give you reprieve from stress, then what’s the point of doing the hard stuff?

I think the other thing that has steered me away from writing on here is the feeling that my writing has been going stale. I haven’t even been writing poetry as of late because I just don’t feel my creative juices flowing, or my motivation to do anything at all, for that matter. You have no idea the amount of times I’ve tried to write a blog post and stopped immediately or halfway through, or deleted an Instagram post that I’ve written, because I feel like it’s not good enough. I don’t want my writing to become a chore. It’s something that I love to do, and if I feel like my passion for writing has gone stale, something must be seriously wrong. So I guess I’ve been trying to steer clear of that happening.

I can feel myself coming out on the other side of my writer’s block, however. Still, I’m going to take my time. I want to apologise for not writing as much as I promised. Or keeping up with regular updates on Instagram. But, I guess, at the very least, this can be a reminder to you all, to prioritize self care, and to put yourself first. It seems I need to do a lot of work to catch up on that aspect of my life.

I’ll get there though. And so will you 🙂

Anyway, I also wanted to thank all of you who have stuck by my side, to everyone who reads my posts, whether it’s on Instagram or WordPress. All of you are truly beautiful souls. And helping you through my words is a massive help to me, too. Even if sometimes my presence on here isn’t all that regular. Thank you for being patient with me, and understanding that I go through these episodes…

I think this has been my longest depressive/anxious episode for a while. It’s lasted for 2 weeks and I can’t see a way out of it right now. But I have lights in my life that I’m reaching out to right now. And even if my writing isn’t at its best right now, I will always have my love for it.

So… thank you. For everything. I will hopefully be back soon.

Until then… take care of yourselves. 🙂 ❤

Trigger

Hi lovely people.

I’d just like to say something quick before I need to start my study for the afternoon (I need to finally stop procrastinating!!)

On Thursday night of last week, my mind set completely switched. Those of you who follow me on Instagram will know about it. I was having such an incredible week, there was literally no reason for me to break that night, but I did. It was so out of the blue and it gripped me so hard and so suddenly that I had to stop everything I was doing and just cried.

I did end up mustering the strength to look after myself very basically – feed myself, have a shower, wrap myself up in warmth, allowed myself to lay in bed. I was floating in and out of reality. All of a sudden, emotion would overcome me and I would lie there shaking and bawling my eyes out. That would last for a few seconds before the numbness overtook and I felt literally empty. I felt like I was losing my mind, losing all sense of who I was. This vicious cycle went on and on for God knows how long, until I finally sank into complete numbness, staring vacantly at nothing, feeling nothing in particular. The good thing about this complete absence of feeling meant my mind didn’t have the strength to conjure up any nasty thoughts, so I drifted off to sleep fairly quickly.

The next day, I woke up feeling a little better, though I could still feel the little monster wrapped around my leg, weighing me down. With 2 tests later that day, I chose to “push through” it. Got out of bed. Made myself smile. Hoping keeping active with both my mind and body would drive me out of this depressive episode. Sometimes, this is all you need – just a little boost and you’re good to go. And whilst I am proud of myself for getting out of bed… in the state I was in, this wasn’t the way to go. I needed to rest.

I found this out the hard way later on that morning. With each minute that passed, my mind set was rapidly deteriorating. Exhaustion gripped me – not from lack of sleep, from lack of motivation and feeling. My teacher in period 2 noticed and kept asking me if I was ok, after repeatedly pushing him away. Until I just snapped. I broke into tears.

My beautiful friends also noticed and did their best to comfort me. They encouraged me to go to the nurse, and one of them carted me away to go and see her, and – bless their souls – just in time too, because I was on the edge of a panic attack. I had pushed myself too far. I should have listened to my body and my mind’s warning signals. I ended up sitting on a bed in the nurse’s office, my face a mess as I started to cry uncontrollably. My whole body was trembling, I was hyperventilating, my head was spinning, my heart pounding. I was genuinely scared it would beat out of my chest.

My dad ended up having to come to pick me up. I felt so ashamed, sitting there in front of the nurse and my dad, unable to calm down. The nurse was so lovely though. She had witnessed one of my episodes before and stayed with me, helping me to gain my breath back. But, it didn’t stop the shame and guilt that swept me up. I think people tend to forget that although I am so open about my struggle, I am still ashamed of being so exposed and vulnerable to others.

As I said, I ended up having to go home. I missed my 2 tests, and a new wave of shame swept over me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t prepared for them; I was ready to sit them, knowledge-wise! It was my mental state that forced me to step down. I felt as though that maybe my anxiety was just an excuse for me to get out of things. I started to worry about what my teachers and peers thought of me. What if they thought I was just trying to have an unfair advantage over everyone else? Oh, poor Breanna, we should all pity her and exempt her from her classes whilst her peers have to do what she can’t.

And you know what the nurse told me? I hadn’t said any of these thoughts that overflowed from my mind. I was too distraught. But it was as if she read my mind. With my father’s hand on mine, I felt the warmth that traveled from her gaze on me, even though I couldn’t bring myself to meet her eyes. She said… “Breanna, we know you. We know that you would never suddenly just take time off if you didn’t absolutely need it. Because you’re a pusher. You push through things even when it’s detrimental to you. And even though that’s a beautiful trait to have, sometimes you need to just take your foot off the pedal a bit. It’s ok to rest. We all understand.”

This brings me to what I wanted to say today: sometimes, anxiety just has no reason. It can grip you so hard and suddenly, and there is just no explanation. There doesn’t always have to be a trigger.

But just know… it is never your fault. It is never an excuse. No, it’s not an excuse… it’s so much more than that. Anxiety is real and it’s valid. No one should ever feel guilty for this. No one should ever feel responsible. IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

For those on the receiving end, who witness someone who is in the same state that I was in on Friday, please direct any thoughts of them with compassion. We are so swept up in the stigma of mental health, the negative representation of mental illness, that some of us fail to understand anxiety just HAPPENS. It all happened so quickly for me on Friday. That morning I was smiling with my friends. Not even an hour later I had spiraled into a complete anxiety attack.

I apologise if this post is a little all over the place. My thoughts are a tad scattered. I am still a little stuck in the aftermath of my shaky experience from Friday. I just hope this brings across the message I wanted to deliver… that anxiety is not selective over when it presents itself.

I hope you are all well today. And if you aren’t, please reach out.

So much love to you all ❤

~Breanna xox

Blogger’s Note! :)

Hey guys!

So I just wanted to fill you all in on a quick note…

These next few weeks (the next 4-5 weeks to be exact) I am going to be extremely busy. I am finishing my studies in year 11, and have my end-of-year exams roughly 4 weeks from now. So my primary focus will be on preparing for these exams.

I love writing so much, and so that is why I am going to try my hardest to keep writing for all of you and for myself whenever I have free time & am in the mood for it! I will aim to make at least one blog post per week, however if I am inactive for a couple weeks at a time, please note that I’ve just been caught up in a little whirlwind called life, and I will be back very soon ❤

Thanks to all you lovely people for understanding!

I hope to write to you all again soon. And remember – be kind to your mind!

Cheers for now 🙂

heart

Breanna