Here’s to Tomorrow

Here we go again. Another sleepless night maybe? I don’t know. All I know is that right now I’m listening to soft lyrical music trying to soothe a soul that’s not very soothed right now. Trying to pretend maybe I’m calm.

I have my dog here with me, which is nice. Nice to feel I’m not totally alone. He’s like a massive weight on my foot. Could say he’s my anchor right now. Much better than the weight I carry in my head.

It’s pretty disappointing that I feel so worthless right now because I had such a good day. I felt elated even, because I was doing things. Keeping both my mind and body busy. But I knew in the very back of my mind: “this isn’t gonna last, you know it’s going to end sometime, you’re probably going to finish your day crying in your bedroom.” Well, looks like I was right about one thing.

My brain is just very good at being overactive it seems! And that’s ok. It’s a pretty cool brain when you think of it. All these thoughts stringing together and making meaning out of literally anything. It can be used to hurt us, sure, but if you look at those thoughts like a pretty neat invention, it’s not so bad. Just takes a long time to empty them. Which is pretty hard for someone like me… and it’s not just an on and off thing. This happens to me, every night. The hopelessness kicks in. It’s just whether or not I can let my mind swim into an unconscious, flowy state.

I don’t even know why I’m crying to be honest. It’s like I feel everything, hitting me all at once, and yet I feel nothing. My body is buzzing and yet it feels numb. How can that be? Depression is a funny trickster it seems. I am safe, in a house full of loving family members, I’m well fed, good education, clothes on my back. So why do I feel like my world is falling asunder?

This writing thing is pretty grounding though. If you’re feeling as hopeless as me tonight, I definitely recommend you try it. It’s quite a beautiful escape.

You know, maybe my suffering is in retrospect of everything unfolding around me. Maybe it’s not just me. Maybe I’m not the only one to blame.

I’m just glad we always have a tomorrow! I mean, we don’t REALLY know that we have a tomorrow – how can we? But we always, always, always have the thought of a tomorrow. No one and nothing can take that away from us, not even the end of the world. A tomorrow… it’s the picture of a bright warm sun rising over the deep foliage of trees, wide open plains, colourful arrays of flowers that gives us our hope, our sliver of dignity, our humanity. We wait for a tomorrow. A better day. There’s always that hope. That hope will never go away for as long as you keep it around.

So yeah. I’m waiting for my tomorrow. Hoping that I won’t sink down again, even though I know I will. Quite tired of it if I’m honest with you. But I keep breathing, don’t I? I’m alive and here. So are you. And you know something… that’s incredibly full of worth.

Well, I best try and get some rest. That is the most essential thing I can do to gain the perspective I need. Sure, I’m feeling a little shitty. But it’s gonna get better. My mind just needs a little kickstart from an ounce of self-compassion is all 🙂