My Friend, Anxiety.

Hi beautiful people ❤

It’s been a while; I have been swept up in the whirlwind that is the finality of year 12. I won’t bore you all with the details but yes, it has been a rollercoaster, physically and emotionally and mentally and intellectually and spiritually. The whole lot. But I’ve had a lot of beautiful people here backing me up, both from my family and loved ones, and on the social world of Instagram.

Anyway. What has sparked my motivation to share with all of you after so long… this evening, I’ve been searching through my old short pieces of story writing. And I read over something that I’d forgotten about. It captivated my attention and I’d really like to share it with you all… because it is something I feel resonates with me still, so deeply.

It is how I perceive the small, scared girl of Anxiety within me, who seems terrifying, but really just wants to be heard and loved. It’s a beautiful way to look at it, I thought. So here it goes…

~*~

My Friend, Anxiety.

Sometimes I wonder what the girl I am would be like without my anxiety. All the flaws inside my head. Gone. I look out at this one blinking star right ahead of me, and wonder, all those light years away, if it sees another life. What am I doing? I like to think that I’m riding free somewhere, atop this beautiful big horse I can only see in my dreams. Flying over the ground, churning the earth up in his great hooves as he was born to do. Like he should do. Mane and tail streaming behind him in an elegant storm of earth and wind and fire and horse. And I am just there, moving along with him, faster than even time can travel us.

But then, I know, that she wouldn’t really be me. Because she doesn’t have the anxiety. She doesn’t have the things that make her… well, me. My God, it causes me pain. Sometimes it’s just a shiver, or the uncomfortable sensation that crawls over my fingers as they go numb while I type something up at 1:09am in the morning on a winter’s night. But other times… you have no idea. It’s like I can’t breathe. It’s like someone, or some much stronger force than ever known to mankind, is forcing me down under water. And to stay there. Without any release. It feels like I’m suffocating. It feels like I’m drowning and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to reach the surface. It feels like I’m going to die. I’m going to die and no one is going to care. No one is going to notice my absence, or come looking for me. The itching feeling at the back of their minds that they’re forgetting something, like a tinned can of corn they left at the supermarket, will eventually buzz away. And I will be left to drown, to suffocate, to die on my own.

But despite this pain. Despite this awful sensation that I can’t explain, this instinct that I am going to die. Despite everything inside my head. The whirlwind of emotions, the spiralling storms and cyclones of thoughts that devastate any sliver of peace I’ve managed to form, so that I have to start again from scratch. Despite any of this… there is beauty in it. There is beauty in my friend Anxiety. Yes, she is my friend. I smile when I think of her like that. This little me, small and scared and thinking she is so alone, tucked away in the corner of my mind, just wanting to be heard, and fearing being found out at the same time. But she is so beautiful… she doesn’t realise it. And she is a part of me. I will never leave her, nor she me. I will be there with her forever, even when no one believes her, or the world is against her. She will always have me to keep her safe. To tell her that it’s all okay. That no bloody wonder she gets herself worked up over this funny little thing called life. Because it’s hard! And I totally get that. I get that as much as anyone else who thinks to themselves; “hey, this is a little weird, don’t you think? That we all seem so relaxed, when we really shouldn’t? Because who knows why we’re here? We don’t! Or is it just me?”

But I will also never leave her, or criticise her, or put her in the wrong, or leave her in the dark, because she creates the beauty in me. Because with all her existential sufferings, her painstakingly agonising questions, her dragged out insomnia, her irrational fears, come all her big ideas. Her desire to create something so big and beautiful and completely unbeknownst to man. Her huge heart and immense compassion for the souls around her. Her productive highs, with all these large and wonderful aspirations and wonders and revelations, these sparks to begin something anew, to accomplish so much. There comes her creativity. Her passion. Her drive. Her spirit.

And, would you believe this… her will to live.

She just wants someone to love her. To hold her when she is shaking and quivering in life’s too-strong grip, and tell her that everything will be okay. No words or advice needed. She doesn’t need someone to make it better; she has to do that on her own. She just needs someone to listen, and to understand, and to just hold and comfort her. To tell her that she isn’t alone. To appreciate her. To see the beauty in her, the beautiful things she can create and is capable of with her flaws, like I see in her. To simply – and nothing more – be there, along with her on this journey that Anxiety and I have to take. Not to direct us… but to reassure me that I have someone who is here with me.

I feel all of this and more, because she is a part of me.

We are one. We complement one another, in both our highs and lows. One cannot survive without the other. It’s beautiful though, really; not tragic like some would think. It is like a young superhero learning to harness her dangerous and unpredictable powers, which will eventually bloom into something so much more beautiful… something so much more elegant… something she can use to her advantage, if she can just find inner balance.

We are learning to harness our power. Slowly but surely. And until then, even if it takes the rest of my life, I will stay by her on this journey, and she will me, even when no one else will… until she is ready to let go, and to flourish on her own, in peace.

❤

Slowly Killing Myself… Social Media and all its dangers (how do we combat it???)

(Lovely photo of the setting sky I took on my evening walk today… the soft pastel colours truly put me at ease. What a beautiful world we live in <3)

Heyy everyone!

So I wrote this last night in my sleep-deprived mind-set, because it was something that was just really irking me and making me quite anxious if I’m honest with you. And now I’d like to share it with you all, because I’m sure a lot of you feel the same things on some level.

What I want to talk about is social media.

I spend so much time on social media, to the point where it’s reeeally becoming a bit toxic for me.

I hate being absorbed in such a tiny screen, and hours just seem to fly by without my even noticing when I’m online. Sometimes I do notice, and that makes it even worse, because I can’t stop. I feel stuck. It just fills every gap of my day. Waiting at the bus stop or in the car. Sitting on my bed after I get home from school. Scrolling through pages and pages, meaningless by the time tomorrow reaches, before I go to bed. And for what?

Where is the time that we donate to ourselves? That we donate to others? That we donate to the world around us, the one that we actually live in, not one that we’ve created for ourselves in this tiny little box?

I know it seems a bit ironic, that I’m making a post about this online, the very thing that I am detesting. I’m adding to my collection of views. Pruning my social feeds.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the community of social media that I am in. It’s a place where I am able to help others and myself through sharing my experiences and sufferings, and along the way I’ve gotten to meet some pretty inspiring people, too. I feel considerably less alone than a year or two ago.

But it’s also taking its toll on me. This consumption. This urge and obsession for likes and comments. I won’t lie, I’ve been victim to it. I just don’t want it to take away from my life. I think that’s the line.

Life is beautiful, guys. And we’re missing it! Locked away in these screens. We’re absolutely missing the point. Why search something up on your little box when you can live it?

Just a random throw-in thought here, too: whenever I witness a truly beautiful moment when I’m out and about and immersed in nature’s glory, I always immediately get this strong urge to take a photo. “This would be a great backdrop for your next instagram post on how beautiful life is.” And that’s fine! The problem is that I start to stress that I’m not enjoying the moment like I should be, I feel that ever-pressing guilt that I’ve been swept up by social media, and neither self-peace nor captured photo is accomplished. Like, seriously, Breanna. (Ah, lookie, the essence of my anxiety: indecisiveness of the simplest tasks.)

Anyway, I’m kinda going off on a tangent. But that gets me thinking… maybe I need to set down some ground rules to help reduce this intoxication of social media, the guilt that ensues from it, and the consequences of what it takes from me!

So, here are my new ground rules (as of me writing this, right now.) You’re welcome to adopt them if you like, or modify them to suit you better. But I think having guidelines for your online usage is so important, so you don’t get swept away from life rather than in it…

1. Turn off all social media apps past 9pm.
I know a lot of people turn off their phones completely, but me being me I play out every scenario of how my night is going to go, and I worry that by turning off my phone, someone I care about may need me and won’t be able to reach me. Solution: ensure all my loved ones have my number, and mute all unnecessary apps!

2. Get into the habit of doing something proactive before going to bed, if you’re a restless soul like me.
I think part of the reason I’m so quick to jump onto social media at night before bed, in bed when I can’t sleep, first thing in the morning etc. is because I’m so RESTLESS and need to do something to clear my head!!!! Instead of adding on the extra minutes on my phone, I’m going to be avidly trying to do something that doesn’t involve my phone screen before bed. This can be a variety of things; reading a few pages or chapter of my book, watching a show that I like with my mum and cats, doing a crossword puzzle or word search, drinking my favourite hot drink of tea while I just simply SIT with myself and contemplate my overly-neglected thoughts by either writing or thinking (have some me-time, you know? Tune in to the little-me’s that make up my brain… they’re worthy of my attention too!), or going outside for a few minutes to look at the stairs and forget about myself in the presence of the vast expanse of the universe for a bit. You can change it up each night, however you want, as long as it’s a refreshing, positive or peaceful activity of self-awareness, reflection and/or compassion.

3. Allocate sectioned times for your social media usage during the day
I most certainly am NOT a routine-sticker. My actions and thoughts flicker and change every day. I obsess over planning, yet I HATE structure with a burning passion. But, I do believe it’s good to have a guide in place to help keep you on track, even if you’re in a chaotic loop-de-loop like me every day. I am going to start by allocating 1 hour maximum of social media every day, maximum of 15 minutes in one sitting, and see how I go from there – some days I may increase this slightly as I wish, and if I can reduce it, even better! I won’t keep the schedule too rigid. Hence, don’t beat yourself up if you go a little (or even a lot) over the limit. Building good habits takes time, just like what I was saying in my blog post on tips to develop self-compassion a few weeks ago. I will also restrain myself from going on it first thing when I wake up and get home from school, however I won’t ban myself completely during these times. Again, allow some flexibility. It’s just the same as removing any bad habit or addiction… you’ve gotta do it s l o w and gentle. 🙂

4. Aim to increase your physical exercise to combat your itch to return to your phone!
Once you’ve put your phone down, keep that bad boy down and keep active! Of course, sometimes exercise just seems like a drag, especially when we feel unmotivated. But it doesn’t have to be as big or spectacular as going for a run three times around the block or forcing yourself to go for a walk (although you most certainly can, if you want to! Don’t feel guilty if that’s not for you, though!). It can be as simple and as little as doing 5 minutes of yoga in your backyard, doing some stretches as you take in your surroundings, or even just takin a walk to the kitchen! Pairing your activity with the outside world will do wonders for your mind and soul if you can, especially if it’s a sunny day – enjoy this world while you have it! I truly believe nature has powers to heal us from the inside out. Even if you just look out the window for a few seconds on your walk to the kitchen, and actively get your mind to notice at least 3 things that you can see outside. You may surprise yourself with things you’ve never even noticed before.

5. Less scrolling, more engaging.
Yeah, sure, we’re being social on our phones. It IS called social media, right? Yes. Correct. The way I use social media IS to connect with people, and that’s wonderful. But next time you’re scrolling, think to yourself…

Am I engaging, or just scrolling?
If I am engaging with others through social media, is it worth my time if I am on my phone/is it something I am actually benefiting from right now?
Are there people who are currently here with me, in person, whom I feel comfortable socialising with and would actually make me feel better engaging with in reality rather than sitting on my phone?

So often, we push people who are closest to us away, and a lot of the time, we don’t even realise. Cherish the moments you have with the people physically here for you in your life, right now. Don’t waste all your time and energy in a screen. Be mindful of your present moment.
If you feel like a challenge, and the person(s) you are currently with in person are not people you know very well – ie. sitting at a bus stop with a stranger – put your phone away and engage in real-talking conversation with them! Of course, don’t push yourself if you don’t feel comfortable. But every friendship starts from the simple introduction of saying hello.

6. Don’t do things half-heartedly.
This is a saying that I still remember from my dad when he told it to me years ago. It’s stuck with me since then. I often feel bad that I push this little saying away, and have done many things half-heartedly many times. But I think it’s important to try and remember as much as possible, and to stop and listen to it. If you’re watching a show, watch it. With your full attention. If you’re spending time with someone, don’t keep checking your phone every 5 minutes. Turn it off if you really can’t help it. Just don’t let your phone steal precious moments from your life, more than it already has.

So, those are my 6 main tips for combating the pull of social media for now!

Please, please, please share with me any other tips for reducing screen-time obsession if you have any! I am always open to suggestions and I’m sure a lot of other people will benefit from it too, myself included!

Alright. Thus concludes another very lengthy post on my behalf. I hope you are all having a wonderful day/night, you lovely people. (It is currently 9:07pm for me over here in Aus, so I’m going to start unwinding now.)

Until next time!

Lots of love 🙂 ❤

~ Breanna

Control

Hey everyone! How are you today? 🙂

Bit of a short one today but thought it worthwhile to share 😊

Today was ehhh. Like, there’s no other way to describe it. Running on 2 hours of sleep. Counselling appointment this morning, which I cried my eyes out during half of it. General feelings of being unmotivated, worthless, anxious. Everything is loud for me today. I spent the majority of it in bed.

I could sit here listing the bad stuff (which I basically just did), which is important. You gotta write that list. You gotta acknowledge what’s bugging you.

But you know what else is important? Writing more than 1 list, so you don’t dwell on the hard stuff. I wrote 3 day.

1 – for all the things that are keeping me down today.

2 – all of the benefits that I get from my suffering.

3 – factors in my life that I can control.

The last 2 were eye openers for me. I was amazed to see how much I’ve grown as a person through these hard times. My compassion & awareness of others and myself has increased significantly over the past year. My courage, perseverance & resilience have hardened me into the accepting strong person that I am.

What I want you all to think about today, however: is what YOU can control.

YOU can control your thoughts. I know it may feel like you can’t, but you can. You get to choose what thoughts you invest in. You can choose what views you have on yourself and other people, but you can’t choose what others think of you. You can choose how you perceive a situation and react to it. You are in control of your actions. You can control who you interact with and the type of people you surround yourself with. You can control how you use and manage your time. And most of all, You can control your outlook on life.

There’s something to ponder for a while, lovely people ☺️

I hope you all have a great day/night. Any questions, again feel free to email me or comment below, or visit my Instagram page – @breannas.blog!

Much love ❤️

My Anxiety Story

Hi everyone. How are all of you today?

If I’m honest, I’m not doing all that great right now myself, but hey – all the more reason why I’m writing this blog. To help spread the message that it’s okay… to not be okay. 🙂

Today I’d like to talk to you all about my depressive voice and my personal journey with anxiety. I think it’s a core part of me, and so it’s hard to share. It makes me feel vulnerable, sparks my fear of attention seeking, opens up fresh wounds, etc. But the wounds are already open right now. So I may as well delve deeper for all of you, for anyone who is struggling to grasp what their own inner demons are telling them, for those who know all too well what they are saying and just need to know that someone else is experiencing the same thing, and for those who want to help broaden their knowledge about depression and anxiety… maybe for someone you love, or for other people in general. Whatever the reason, I’m glad you came. I’m glad you’re reading.

I think I might start with a bit of background knowledge of me. Personally, I think I’ve always known my anxiety was there, in the back of my mind, nudging me in directions I wouldn’t otherwise think about. Causing me to make small decisions out of fear (or the opposite – to be paralysed into indecisiveness out of fear!!) which would over time build to something as big as to what it is now. The problem is that I only knew it was there subconsciously. I didn’t know what to call this voice in my head. When I talk about voices, I’m not talking about some creepy whisper seeping into my mind, I’m not talking about hearing things or being possessed and going crazy. I’m talking about the small, frail girl who is my core, pleading for help. I’m talking about my conscience, my deeper thoughts that I sometimes fail to let rise to the surface.

My voice, my instinct, my conscience, whatever you’d like to call it, has often kept me safe. It’s barred me from acting in a dangerous situation, forced me to retreat from things that it thought would cause me harm. But bit by bit, this voice was slowly degrading my sense of self-worth. It would make me feel unsafe at random times and occasions, when I couldn’t actually see what it was that so disturbed me. That’s the funny thing I’ve learned about anxiety over the years… it makes you feel so totally vulnerable, so at risk, so completely unsafe, when you know in your own head that you are perfectly safe. And yet, your blood runs cold, your hands feel clammy, your heart starts to race. But why?

I could go into a whole sciency-ramble about just “why” our brains like to trick our voice that we are in some deep and serious trouble. Because that’s all it is – it’s science. Yeah, anxiety is a real condition. It is a real illness. And, oh yes, anxiety can affect you physically, in immense ways might I add, as well as mentally. But I won’t delve into that. Today is more of a philosophical discussion.

My point is, I did not KNOW that this was anxiety until recent years. How could I? I’d never even really heard the word until I reached around 10 years old. But it was always there… pressing in… like a shadow protruding from the darkness, or a hand gently pressed against my throat. Not constricting, just there. Threatening to tighten its grip. And that was the scariest thing of all, that feeling of impending anxiety. Knowing that it could, and would, strike up again when I least expected it.

At first, it started off just as little nigglings when I’d do something out of my comfort zone. Walking down the road to the shops, talking to someone I’d never met before, standing up on stage in front of my primary school to deliver a prayer or say a few lines during assembly. All normal, healthy stuff you’d expect a normal young girl to feel a little apprehensive about. Only, it got bigger. The squeezing in my chest got tighter. The niggling more incessant. And with the divorce of my parents, the weight continued to pile. Soon I reached high school, now at the age of 13 years old. Transitioning from primary into high school was a major milestone for me, with the anxiety I had to overcome. But it was something I could overcome. I had my friends, caring teachers, and always my family and pets to come home to. I was nervous, but I was happy.

It wasn’t until around the age of 14 that I really started my downward spiral into anxiety. If I could describe my anxiety in the earlier years of my life, I would say it was just there… sitting on the periphery of my life, getting comfortable on the edges of my mind, often dipping its toe into the waters of my thoughts to make a few ripples, but never a huge splash. To describe my anxiety over the past 3 and a half years to date… would be an absolute disaster. I simply cannot explain it to you in words. The pain, the fear, the attacks, the isolation, it is just something you need to have experienced for yourself to truly understand.

I have to say: I am in a much, much, much better place right now in terms of my mental health overall than I was about a year, or even 2 years ago. But in those early stages of learning the reality of what I was going through, I descended rapidly into a dark hole. And it was absolutely terrifying, my first experience in this horrible place. I felt as though I had no one to hold onto. My mind was playing tricks on me in the dark. This is the place where my small, little voice of anxiety turned into my great, big, nasty depressive voice. “You are alone.” “Nobody cares about you or understands what you are going through.” “Everyone is lying.” “You are a waste.” “You drag everybody else down.” “You’re just a hindrance to everyone else.” “You’ve caused all of the problems in your life, and in those around you.” And you have to understand: I had no problem looking the same as I always did on the outside. It’s not that I wanted to fake my emotions. I had just become very good at hiding my internal struggle, and it was my go-to instinct rather than bringing these attacking thoughts to the surface for others to hear. It was all within my mind, and no one, not even those closest to me, knew the real depth of what I was suffering.

I regret that choice. I lived for over a year with those attacks eating me from the inside every day. Some days, they were diluted, but I could not escape from them, because they were me. I had no idea how to formulate these thoughts into words. I was ashamed. I was confused. And I felt very, very alone and detached.

Around the time that I turned 15, I finally realised that this struggle, although internal, was far bigger than I could handle. I couldn’t take it any longer on my own or I would cave in and break. So I reached out to my parents, reached out to my two closest friends, and they pointed me in the direction of Headspace, where I got counselling for the next four months.

I then learnt that my anxiety comes and goes. Yes, it is always there, in the back seat, watching over my shoulder. But there are periods of time where it tries to take control from me, and periods of time when it lessens its hassling and sits complacently behind me. I learnt to acknowledge that these periods of time occur sporadically, and whilst I could never schedule in a time that I knew it would come, I learnt to recognise the symptons of it; “yep, I can feel an anxiety attack or depressive episode coming on tonight”, and live with it.

Thus came the period in my life I was at my best. I thought everything was past me (foolish, I know.) I thought I was “cured”. That I was better. I’m sorry, but there is no cure to anxiety. There is no cure for depression. There are only things that can help us lift out of it for a while, every now and again. But it is enough to sustain us. We do not need a cure.

Anyway, yes, I believed I was finally free for those couple months after my counselling, and so I broke off with Headspace. It took a mere few months before the demons came rolling back in to sweep me back into my hole. But this time, I knew I needed to reach out. Now, at 17 years old, I am back at Headspace, and I have to tell you it honestly helps so much to talk to someone that is outside of your life, looking in to give you perspective. At the same time, if you are able to talk to people in your life about your suffering, you must do so.

In some respects, my depression and anxiety is worse because of the busy life I am living, being a full-time ATAR student, working 2 jobs, and everything else in between. It is worse because I am so much more aware and attuned to my struggle. It is worse because of the strain I put on myself to be better, to help others. It is worse because the moments of panic are harder to deal with, and becoming more frequent. The nights are getting longer. The voice in my head is louder. The hand on my throat is tighter. The fear in my chest is too scared to let go, and is clinging for dear life.

But… I do feel, compared to this time last year, I am in a better place despite my mental illness growing stronger. I feel better because I have chosen to let people in. I feel better because I have let my anxiety and depression in rather than fighting it. I feel better because I have learned more and more (and am still learning!) about this important issue. I feel better because I have developed healthy strategies that help me cope in desperate times; such as doing things I love, like going for runs/walks, listening to music, riding horses, spending time with people and animals I love to be around, writing, singing and drawing. I feel better because I have learnt to read both my body’s and mind’s little signals that I am breaking down, that I am about to panic, etc. and – most importantly – LISTEN to these signals and give myself permission to have a break. I feel better because I talk. And that’s what I want each and every single one of you to do.

My mental illness is becoming stronger. But so am I. I am becoming stronger, every day.

So, even though my depressive voice is a little louder than usual today, the hand is a little tighter round my throat than it normally is, it’s ok. Because I know I will be ok. Everything will be ok. And we are all here to help each other, to stand up to the stigma around mental illness and say “no” to its face!

I think I’ve covered everything I’ve wanted to talk about today. It’s a long winded process, talking about this worldwide issue. There are literally millions of topics and aspects I can talk about, but I will do my bit, piece by piece. If there is anything else you’d like to know about, or have any queries or requests, send me an email or a comment below! 🙂

Be well lovelies ❤️